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Women, dear women. What we don't understand about the opposite sex is a lot. But fear not, help is right here. Each month new topics are here for you to soak up, absorb, and use for the love life relationship you've always wanted.

This Month

Guy Language - Uncovered

Look Before You Leap

Top 10 Reasons Men Won't Commit

  Guy Language - Uncovered

Okay, so here's the deal. Contrary to what you've been told by Psychologists and relationship experts, men are not as logical as they would like you to think.One way this is exemplified in that the words that sometimes come out of their mouths are not the words that they actually mean, and they think you are supposed to know what they mean (yes, even though they didn't say what they meant!). Another way is that many men will often say what they think you want to hear in order to avoid conflict (conflict with women is undesirable for a man). Here are the basics. If you observe and listen to your particular sweetie, you will soon find his own language and decipher what he really means even when the words don't say it.

1. I'll call you - for the dating woman this could mean one of 3 things:
   • I will indeed pick up the phone and dial your number hoping to speak to you.
   • I will not call you, but didn't want to say so to avoid having to explain that I'm not interested.
   • I may call you, but haven't really decided yet.
     
     
2. I'll do it. - This could mean "Dear, I'll be glad to honor your request," but could also mean "I will put this off as long as humanly possible," or even "I never plan to do this if I can get away with it."
   
   
3. I love you. - This is like a Fear Factor episode for some men. When a man says this it could mean:
   • I really do love you, and I'm either scared to death of my feelings or I am so comfortable with you I will gladly tell you that "I love you."
   • I am saying this so I can get sex
   • I really don't love you, but I am saying this because you said it first and if I don't I'll have to explain why I don't feel this way.
   • It slipped out in the moment and I can't take it back - damn.
     
     
4. I forgot - Oh this is a good one. If your man uses this one a lot, here's what it may really mean:
   • What you wanted wasn't important to me and I put it out of my mind.
   • I didn't want to do it and I wasn't about to say that.
   • I got distracted and really forgot. (Women are more able to multi-task than men, who are able to focus and zero in on one thing intensely and shut out other things going on around them - both are great qualities to have at one time or another)
     
     
5. I'm sorry - Again if your man uses this a lot, this is what he could be getting at:
   • I'm really sorry I got caught.
   • I was going to do what you didn't want me to do anyway, this is how I'm getting away with it.
   • Ha, I'm not sorry at all, I just don't want to argue about what I'm not sorry about.
   • I truly am sorry, what the hell came over me?
     

What to do When He Doesn't Mean What He Says?

Help your man out to use his words better. When you know he's giving you a line instead of telling you how he really feels let him know you know that. Many men are so used to "this is my story and I'm sticking to it," that they have to "see" the advantages of being for real with you and experience the consequences of giving you a line of bull. So make it pleasant and painless as possible when he is honest and don't hide your disappointment when he is not.. After all as mature adults we should be able to say what we mean, mean what we say, and be kind while doing so. Help him to get there :

1. I'll call you - If you would like him to call tell him you would like to hear from him again, but if he doesn't mean it then don't bother to say it. Tell him to just say good night, and that it's no big deal. (Then shut it and don't make it a big deal!).  Remember no matter how hot you are for him, if he doesn't feel the same, leave him be. If he's interested he will show it.
2. I'll do it - Get agreement and a date from him when he says he will complete whatever you want him to do ( if it doesn't have a time table it's just a dream). Ask him if he needs anything from you in order to help him get it done. Let him know that he is the man and you look up to him to lead by example, and for his actions to match his words. Don't nag, and DON'T DO IT FOR HIM! If he doesn't do it let him know how disappointed you are in your hero. How happy would he be if you promised to cook his favorite meal and then called home to say you were going out with the girls instead? When he does do as promised make him feel like a king, the big man on campus, a man among men, etc.  Watch his chest poke out and notice if he looks for more ways to get your praise.  You got it made now.
3. I love you. - Don't ever try to force a man to say it. You want the real deal, not a statement to avoid conflict. Create an atmosphere where he feels free and comfortable to express his feelings for you. If you love him (do you really know what love is?), it's okay to tell him but don't give the look as if you are expecting it back. His actions will tell you how comfortable or uncomfortable he is with your "I love you."
4. I forgot. - If he is really bad using this for any and everything, a few "me toos" when he wants something might cure him. Men don't like to deal with a lot of words, but examples that illustrate the importance of him treating you in a manner in which he wants to be treated can do wonders without a bunch of words. Let him know that the two of you could keep forgetting everything that comes out of both of your mouths and nothing gets done, or he could be your hero, and do what he says he will do.
5. I'm sorry. Ask him what he is sorry for. If he can tell you, he may mean it. If he can't, tell him you deserve better than that, and that you need a grown up not a kid looking to get out of trouble. 
   

Look Before You Leap 

This is easy. If you are anything except married, you have the opportunity to not make a huge mistake that could affect the rest of your life. There are some very basic standards a woman must apply to her relationship with a man.

1. If a man cannot legitimately feed, clothe, and shelter himself and any children he is responsible for, he cannot be your man. It doesn't matter how much love you have for him, you still don't have a man that is able to handle a relationship as a fully participating adult. Encourage him to work hard and get himself to this very basic standard of maturity.
2. Is he interested in a monogamous relationship, or is he still sowing his wild oats?
3. Does he have goals, a plan for his life, things he wants to achieve and a time table? What is he doing about it? Notice whether he has excuses galore or is he a doer? A man without a plan is like a parked car, he's going nowhere. You can't follow or lead a parked car. Think about this.
4. Has he cheated on you or hit you before? Future behavior is best predicted by past behavior.
5. Has he threatened you, tried to isolate you from friends or family, or is verbally abusive? Look forward to more of the same and worse if you are foolish enough to stay. Anyone that does these things does not know what love is, regardless of what comes out of his mouth.  He is too focused on his own insecurities to truly care for you. Don't decide to be his rescuer - it could cost you your life. 
6. Is he a leader or a follower? Is he passive or assertive? Whatever floats your boat is fine, but don't expect a follower to become a leader or a passive man to suddenly step up and assert himself. Know who you have and accept him as he is or let him go.
7. Is he kind, tenderhearted, understanding, forgiving, or is he moody, difficult, sullen, complaining, or vengeful? What do you really want to live with? People rarely change, and never change just because someone wants them too. They have to want to change within themselves. Wait until you see sustainable evidence of positive change over a period of time before you leap.
8. Is he fun-loving and comes up with interesting things, or does he rely on you to entertain him?
9. Is he critical of you or complimentary? Does he accept you just the way you are or is he always finding something about you that you could improve? Do you want to be his partner or his project?
10. How do you argue? Are you both working together to figure out the real problem and seeking a resolution (sometimes there is no right or wrong, just different views), or agreement to disagree?  Do you make up quickly or hold grudges, don't speak, etc. Do your fights draw you closer together of drive a wedge between you?  What do you want to live with?
11. How expressive and communicative is he? Can he express appreciation, understanding, compassion, sympathy, love? Can he open up to you when things are tough or does he clam up for days or weeks at a time? You decide what you can live with, but remember it is unlikely he will change much at all.
12. See the dating cautions too click here

Why Men Don't Commit Like They used to

Great Relationships fortunately aren't like rocket science.  Rutgers University has done an extensive study on marriage and came up with the top 10 reasons men won't commit. Here it is:

1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than times past.
2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabitating rather than marrying.
3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
4. They want to wait until they are older to have children.
5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn't yet appeared.
7. They face few social pressures to marry.
8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
9. They want to own a house before they get a wife.
10. They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.
    
    
    
    

To see the entire report and the other marriage and relationship studies, check out the National Marriage Project here.

Men look at relationships differently than women. Even in the 21st century, the old adage still remains true, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" For women who want a real commitment, there are two things you mustn't do: 1) jump in the bed with him or 2) shack up with him. It's just that simple. Your man will see you as someone with whom he can indulge his sexual urges or someone with whom he can cultivate a long term committed relationship. If you start off with sex, he is more likely to keep it at that level without it going much deeper into sharing your life together forever in a marriage. Living together is the slowest route to the altar and couples who marry after shacking up have an even higher divorce rate than those who don't.

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