Love 101 - K.I.S.S.

Lesson 2 - Talk to Me Baby

For decades now, communication, sex, and money have been the top three causes for failed relationships, especially marriages.  Poor communication is often at the root of the most common reason you see on divorce decrees, "Irreconcilable differences."  Too many couples end up explaining issues of communication, sex, and money to a judge and add the baggage of resentment and bitterness to their lives.  Love Lesson 2 will deal with the first of these issues we often screw up – communication. 

Why are you a couple?  Whether married or unmarried if you are coupled with someone, what are your reasons?  What are theirs? If you aren't partners walking the same path, heading for the same goal, then what the heck are you doing? 

Communication is the Key
When our staff got together to discuss this, we all had either a personal story or knew of a couple whose relationship we did not envy.  The root cause was often the way they communicated with each other.  Communication, both verbal and non-verbal will tell a couple if they will make it or not.  How many couples do you know of whose way of communicating makes you cringe?  Not too long ago one of our staff hosted a brunch.  One couple stood out among the other guests for the way they communicated.  The hostess was asked later, “Why does she talk to her husband as if he were a child?”  And more importantly why does he let her talk to him like that?  Sadly, good or bad communication starts fairly early in a relationship.  Fortunately, if even one party is willing to make changes, the situation can often be turned around.  Here are our common sense, Keep It Simple, tips for improving your communication with your sweetie :

1. No matter what we are talking about concerning relationships – treat your partner in a manner in which you would want to be treated.  No one wants to be yelled at, berated, called names, ignored, unappreciated, cursed at, hit, or given the cold shoulder.  So grow up and don’t do it.  On the other hand, who wouldn't want to spoken to with respect, and self-control, even when you disagree?  So do that instead.  If you find that more difficult than you imagine, you have something to work on. You can’t blame your partner for your words, actions, or immaturity. 
2. Touch, Caress, Hug, and Make Eye Contact - Most of our communication with others is non-verbal.   Body language, facial expressions, and distance speaks volumes.  When you are with your partner do you touch or are you an island unto  yourself? When at home or out how often do you actually make eye contact or smile at each other?  Test yourself when he comes home, or when you are out to dinner. Touching and eye contact are infinitely important in successful communication and intimacy.  If you are a husband or wife it doesn't even make sense not to hug at least once a day.  The physical contact, the release of feel good hormones, and the closeness is a great way to communicate, without even saying a word.  .
3. Give each other a minimum of what we call, “15 minutes of Fame” each day without fail.  We live in a "hurry hurry rush rush" world.  Out of the 1, 440 minutes you have each day, commit at least 30 of them to devote totally to each other.   Use it as a time to give each of you 15 minutes of focused, undivided attention.  This is something you must plan for otherwise it will not happen.  This means no distractions – no TV, no kids, no watching a pot on the stove.  You can go on the deck and pour yourselves a glass of wine, or take a stroll around the block, sit in the pool, on a park bench, even take a shower or bath together.  Just focus on each other, make eye contact, touch.  Being “famous” for 15 minutes each day means each partner gets to share anything they want.  Try to avoid negativity, complaining, or arguing.  Make time to deal with issues that you don’t agree on at another time, but this is time for making positive connections with each other.  Share a private moment, a laugh, a smile, an understanding of each other.  One of our staff did this, at first thinking it would never work, and they ended up talking and laughing for over an hour.  For the first time in years, her husband followed her into the kitchen to help her with dinner, he wanted to keep talking! Always! Always! Always end your 30 minutes with no less than a full body hug. One of our staffers also recommends a soulfully stirring kiss like you were a Frenchman (or woman) on fire. If you have to do your 15 minutes of Fame over the phone then talk sexy to each other in lieu of your hug. (Of course you can use your imagination and end your special time in other ways......)

One nice thing about purposefully communicating with your significant other in a positive manner is that it can set the tone for more physical intimacy later! 

3. Listen.  Listen.  Listen!  It has been suggested that listening should be done twice as much as  you talk (2 ears, 1 mouth!).  Truly listen to what your partner is and isn’t saying.  People often do not say exactly in words, what they truly feel.  Active listening and watching body language can help get out what’s really inside.  Be as patient with your loved one as you would want them to be with you if you were having a difficult time expressing yourself. And remember that women in general talk about 3 times more than men. It's just the way it is, not wrong or good or bad. So women don't get too bent when your man has said all he has to say, all he can think of to say and you are still waiting for more. Help him out by asking open ended questions and getting clarification to make sure you truly understand what he is saying. And men, realize that your woman is going to go into more detail, perhaps include her thought process to get to a certain conclusion, etc. Men and women really must learn to stop trying to change the other but accept and encourage each other. The truth is men probably would do much better in relationships if they talked more and women if they talked less, though recognize that neither may occur.
4. Plan together.  Set times for life planning - financial goals, career, lifestyle, relationship goals, and fun stuff.  Talk about your individual things you want to accomplish and the things you want to do as a couple, just to stay on track and connect. It is also helpful for your partner to know what you want, so they can be your cheerleader and vice versa.  Spend the time alone to learn each other’s views on your current and future plans and to work together (you are on the same team, right?) to make the happiest, most exciting life for both of you. We put this activity in the communication lesson because people often fight about things that are not taken care of in this area. Frustrations over what one wants at the expense of the other partner, lack of financial planning, not knowing where you are going as a couple and as individuals can be unsettling for both partners and neither may not even know that this is the real problem.
5. Make eye contact and talk in a pleasant tone (who wouldn’t want that?).  How you say what you say is just as important as what you say.  Men have feelings even if they don’t show them like women do, so demeaning him, yelling and screaming, nagging, or taunting him is just going to make him shut you out.  And men, don’t lie to your lady because it seems easier at the time, when the truth comes out, as it often does, there is more hell to pay then if you fessed up in the first place because she's pissed over what you did, AND hurt because you lied about it!
6. Don't always make eye contact! Does this negate number 5?  No.   Studies have shown that men and boys are often more comfortable talking when they don't have to make eye contact. It seems that it may feel aggressive or confrontational.  So when you are discussing topics that may involve different opinions, conflict, or disagreement, it may be easier to be doing something while talking - weeding the garden, washing the dishes or the car, etc.  where you aren't eye to eye.  But when you are at ease with each other, laughing, joking, remembering the fun on your last vacation , or making love by all means a little eye contact can draw you so much closer. 
7. Fight fair!  When you disagree with your partner, the goal should be to resolve the dispute, not take hurtful jibes at one another, or exert force or control over the other, and not even to get your way if it means your honey is bitter and disagreeable.  Name calling, put-downs, and getting physical are all things you can’t take back once the heat dies down, so don’t even go there.  Being in a successful relationship requires being mature emotionally.  Are you there? 
        The idea is to first get to the real issue, which is often not at all what you are fighting about, and then come to some agreement (even if it is to disagree amicably).  If you look at your arguments as won and lost, you both lose.  If you both don’t seek to winners as a couple, that means you are competing rather than complementing each other in the relationship.  If you need some tension in the relationship for excitement, challenge each other to go somewhere exciting or learn something that takes a great deal of skill, but let the fights and arguments draw you closer together and have a deeper appreciation for each other – that’s what grown-ups do. 

  Homework

1. Talk to your partner about the "15 minutes of Fame" for each of you. Decide when is the best time to do it based on your schedule and lifestyle. If you are finding it difficult or "impossible" to fit in, this is a big red flag waving over your relationship. If the two of you cannot find 30 minutes in a whole day to devote solely to each other without distraction, look at the activities in your life and decide what is more important (please choose your partner over other "things to do."). Here are some ways to get started:
   1. Recognize and respect that you or your partner may need some "down time" alone before even engaging in a positive time together. But no matter what, find a way to get alone and devote this brief period to each other.
   2. If it's awkward to begin with start by actually using a timer - decide who will be the "star" first (rock, paper, scissors works!), and set the timer for 15 minutes.
   3. Make it fun - get a play "crown" from the party store and the "star" wears the crown for their 15 minutes.
   4. You can do whatever you want as long as it is not argumentative, gossip, or whining and complaining. If you need to share that you lost a patient today, say so and let your partner listen. If you want to plan a fantasy vacation with your partner - do it. If you want to tell jokes and just laugh go for it, or talk out your thoughts about needing a career change - let it out. If you want to put on your favorite song and just quietly dance with your partner and not say a word- you are the star you get what you want!
   5. The star runs the show, so the partner should listen and only ask questions for greater understanding. Advice and your take on the situation should only be offered when/if specifically asked.
   6. At the end of 15 minutes, set the timer again for 15 and place the crown on your partner's head - it's their turn to be the star!
   7. End with at least a full body hug - a good one.
2. Go over #'s 1, 3, 4, 5, 6 and pick one other area of communication that you and your partner agree to work on. If your partner is not willing, pick the area which you feel is most important and write down 10 things that you can do differently that will get you from where you are at to where you need to be.
   

Communicating effectively is an on-going process. Don't give up, keep at it and you will eventually see progress. Remember, you can't change your partner but you can change how you act, react, and respond. Do it with class and in a manner in which you would want to be treated. After you and your sweetie have gotten the 15 minutes of Fame settled as a fixture into your daily routine, plan a celebration. You have accomplished something many couples only wish they had. 

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