Love 101 - K.I.S.S.

Lesson 1 - The Basics

Why are so many relationships difficult or troubled?  Everyone born needs to be loved and to give love, whether they realize it or not.  It is essential to our well being. Why can’t we just give and receive love and be happy?  Or as the one- time (and unbeknownst to himself) "street philosopher" Rodney King, once said, "Why can't we all just get along?" Why is the divorce rate consistently hovering over 50 percent?  Why are there so many relationship “experts” doling out one theory after another on one talk show after another but the statistics don’t change?  Why is it that men and women can’t get along to the point of abuse, battery, even murder?  We should have all learned to “play nice” by the end of kindergarten, yet so many couples misunderstand, mistreat, hurt, cheat on, and lie to one another, then sadly add in defenseless children so they can pick up the same bad behavior and repeat it (children learn what you live). 

In this first lesson we start with the look-in-the-mirror questions. At RomanceandRealLove.com we cut through the drama and the mess and boil relationships down to the basics.  We believe in K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Sweetie!   Here are the simple, bottom line “secrets” to relationships. 

Do You Possess the Basics of Love?

1. Are you genuine and authentic- i.e. do you know who you are and what you want? (emotionally, spiritually, relationships, career, etc.)
2. Are you treating your loved ones the way they need to be treated?  (you have invested time with them and know what they want and need from you).
3. Do you truly love your partner as you love yourself, and is it reflected in your daily thoughts, words, and actions towards him/her?  (do you love yourself?)
4. Have you and your romantic partner (husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend) established a true and genuine friendship? (compare it to the trust, care, concern, patience, kindness,understanding, forgiveness, etc. you have with non-romantic friends)
5. Are you fun to come home to and to be with from your partner’s point of view?  (i.e. does your partner look forward to coming home to you and can’t wait to spend time with you?)
6. Do you fight in a manner to bring about peace, agreement, respect, and when needed resolution, or do you go for the jugular or are intent on proving how right you are?  (not all disagreements are resolved, but you can peacefully and respectfully agree to disagree)
7. Do you know you need to change but are waiting for him/her to change first?

If you answer “no” to any of questions 1-6, or "yes" to question 7 then you have work to do in you in order to get to a successful real love relationship.

  Match Play - Are You on the Same Team? 

(Or, How Relationships are like Doubles Tennis)

• You are both on the same team, yet with individual and unique skills
• You are not jealous or envious of each other's unique skills or abilities, but appreciate them and are proud of them
• You have the same goal (to win at enjoying your life together!)
• You know each others strengths and weaknesses
• You play to each others strengths and cover each others weaknesses (one may have a strong backhand, the other may be best at the net, but each of you work so that your strongest abilities are utilized for the sake of the team, and your  weaknesses become less significant)
• If you lose, you lose together; if you win, you win together
• You forgive when your partner screws up (because you know the longer you play together, you will also screw up at some point)
• You always do your best - not just for you, but for your partner also
• You want the best for your partner, and they for you, which is the only way you both win
• You help each other improve, console each other when you lose, and celebrate every victory

    Homework

1. Get a journal or notebook and answer the 7 questions under "Do You Possess the Basics of Love?". Take your time and think about them without factoring in if your partner does those things in return. Just focus on you and your actions towards him or her. Write down those things that you do or don't do that prove your answer.
2. For example for #1 - Are you genuine and authentic- i.e. do you know who you are and what you want? If the answer is no, write down the things that you do that are fraudulent - "I don't say what I really feel if I think she is going to be upset." or "I know I confuse him when I tell him I want to go back to school, but haven't done it yet. I give excuses and blame him, rather than admit that I don't really know what I want to do." We are talking about being butt-naked honest with your self here.
3. For each of the questions that you answered "no," answer the following questions:
   1. Why do I act this way?
   2. What should I be doing instead of what I'm doing?
   3. Is my behavior helping or harming the relationship? In what ways?
   4. How can I change my thinking towards my partner so that I will generate different actions towards him/her?
   5. What will be my first step to change this? (Lasting changes rarely happen suddenly. You may need to take baby steps to changing your thoughts and behaviors rather than trying to make radical changes. Be you, and be realistic. )
   6. Are any of my reasons for my behavior actually blaming my choices and my actions on someone else? ( You can say, "she makes me yell" or "if he weren't so demanding I wouldn't be so resistant in return," but the truth is you choose your actions because you want to.) People treat you the way you let them and you act the way you want. You are not a puppet on a string. Take responsibility for your actions even if the other person doesn't. If you are blaming, dig deeper and ask yourself how you can act in love rather than react to someone else's behavior.  It's called being emotionally mature. 
4. This is your real test to see if you are indeed willing to make changes in your relationship or if you will change only if the other person does, which never results in success. Ask your partner to answer the 7 questions concerning you and your relationship. Ask him/her to think about them and give you constructive feedback. As tempting as it may be, don't offer to answer these questions about him/her so they will know what you think. Even if he/she asks you to, it's best they first spend some time answering the questions about them self on paper, then you can come back and talk about it later (in a day or two). Let your partner know that right now you need to digest what he said and make decisions on how you need to change. Make a date to get together within the week and that's when you will answer the same questions regarding your partner (if they asked you to).
5. Review the 9 bullet point traits of a great relationship above. Which ones do you and your partner practice regularly? Which ones are not present in your relationship at all?
   1. Make a list of the things you can do to make sure you are practicing all 9 of these traits.
   2. Prioritize the list from most to least important and pick the first one to work on beginning now.
   3. Add a new habit to incorporate only after you are consistent with the previous one.
6. Have some fun and gain some insight into you. If you've never taken a personality test or haven't taken one recently, click here and take the Jung Typology Test. On the left side click on "Jung Typology Test." If you can, get your partner to do it also. These tests are incredibly accurate and are a fun way to get insight into why you are the way you are and why your partner is the way he/she is.  How can you bring out each other strong points for your mutual benefit?
   

When you are ready proceed to lesson 2 - Talk to Me Baby . And come back next month for Lessons 3 and 4 on Sex and Money

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