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Help for the Love Afflicted!

Dear Lovers,

I feel every relationship should be mutually beneficial and incredibly enjoyable to both parties.  Sadly, that is not always the case.  I'm here to help shed some light on your situation and help you get to mutual satisfaction and utter delight with the right partner.

Live Well & Love for Real ,
Alma

Dear Alma,

I have a husband whom I love dearly and is hard working, in fact we both work very hard on our jobs. My problem is that he seems to think that is all he needs to do is go to work and come home. Yet when I come home from work, often after he gets home, he expects me to cook, take care of the kids, make sure he has what he needs for the next day, and everything else. He helps only when asked, often grudgingly, and only for that particular time. It doesn't even dawn on him that the kids need to be bathed and fed everyday, laundry needs to not only be washed (which he will do sometimes), but folded, hung and put away. I am tired of having the same old conversation with him to get only limited results. Any ideas?

Tired in Toledo!

Dear Tired,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to steal a line from my favorite TV psychologist, Dr. Phil and first inform you that people, even your beloved husband, will treat you the way you let them. And it seems your hubby has got it in his mind that you are a bit of a doormat. No one reading this is wondering where he got that from!   But don't despair, all you need is to realize that he really is 100% responsible for your family as you are. Many women don't have the guts to do what I'm going to tell you, so don't feel bad if you just keep doing what you're doing - just stop complaining about it if you do.

Your sweetie needs what Alma calls a "man quake." If you've tried the straightforward talk, the sweet talk, the complaining, etc., and get compliance for a moment and back to his old ways - you must change strategies. Here's what I recommend step by step:

1. Let him know effective immediately you are leaving the position of  husband, man, and head of the house empty for him. You must be fair and give ample notice(1 day) and clear expectations.
2. Let Mr. Doolittle know that a re-negotiation of the division of labor is in order. You can use our handy list by clicking here and show him all the things it takes to keep your house in some kind of order. In all fairness many men have no idea what happens "behind the scenes," they just know that food is on the table and their socks are in the drawer. You know your man so decide whether you will sit down with him and go over the list giving him a choice of what chores he will be responsible for, or whether it's best to give him his list and show him your list and negotiate from there.
3. The effective date of the new order is the very next day because you are just that tired, you cannot go another day. This is important, you must create a state of urgency (the quake part) about this or he'll never "get around to it."
4. Let him know that what he doesn't do on his list, simply won't get done. This is where women mess up - their men know that if they don't bathe the kids as promised, or pick up dry cleaning - wifey will do it. Women often act like if everything "crucial" doesn't get done then the world will literally end. It won't. Remember you have told him that you are stepping out of the position of husband and head of house and leaving the position empty for him. It is his choice to step into it or let his family down.
5. Your job is to encourage him as he adjusts to his new position, but do not do it for him. So if he doesn't take out the trash - walk past it stinking and piling up. Don't nag - he isn't an idiot- he can see it and smell it too. If he's testing you to see when you will give in and be him again - don't fall for it, instead let him reap the consequences: If you are cooking and the trash is overloaded, you simply can't add to the heap, so dinner must consist of something that doesn't require making any more trash. Perhaps a peanut butter sandwich. I can hear all the women saying "I can't do that to my children." Get over yourself, it won't last long- just explain that you didn't want to make any more trash and possibly create an infestation problem. But Daddy is in charge, and he will decide when he will take care of the trash for us, until then every meal will be something that doesn't create any more trash - smile at them all and tell them "it will be fun and creative." Then treat yourself to a lavish lunch everyday until hubby steps up.
6. Don't get mad at him, let him know you are pulling for him, that you need him in the position of full partner, husband and leader, and that you won't give up on him and take the role back. It will be difficult for a while, but if you picked a good guy in the first place chances are even the most stubborn sweetie pie will realize you are doing him a huge favor by treating him like a man instead of a baby.

Dear Alma,

I've finally wised up and realized my boyfriend of 3 years is not going to marry me, even though he keeps saying he wants to. Both times we've gone to look for a ring we get into this huge fight. Every time the subject is brought up he finds new and different things that I need to change before he can marry me. I feel that there is no amount of changing I could do to satisfy him. My problem is that I know he's gun shy because he's been married before and he doesn't want the same ending. He has the qualities I really need and love - he really is a great guy. So what do I do? I've suggested counseling for us and he has one excuse after another not to go even though he said he would. I don't want to leave him, because he really is a wonderful man, and I love him very much, he's just afraid to take the plunge.

Stuck in Scranton

Dear Stuck,

You didn't mention any of the changes he wanted you to make, so I don't know if they are reasonable or not. I do know that if someone wants you to make a bunch of changes, they aren't accepting you as you are. So he is not as into you as you may want to believe. He may be more into who he wants you to become.   You can't deny who you are and become who someone wants you to be.  It just doesn't work.

If you want him, then realize he may never ever feel that you're the one. I hope that you think more of yourself than to settle. Your man may care for you very much, but not enough for him to get over his fear of marriage. Recognize that he wants you to make changes but he is unwilling to get to the possibly painful root cause of his marriage avoidance techniques. This should tell you a lot about your relationship and its future.  But for now it sounds like he's getting enough to keep things just the way they are. If you go, give yourself time to get over him and don't jump right back into a relationship. Chances are you will just pick another "fraidy cat" with a different name. Go get that counseling without him and let someone help you realize that you are worth a commitment.

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